I faked an abortion last night.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
