The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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