just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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