i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
