Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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