I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think your dad took our porno
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
