it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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