i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
