My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
