yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
