he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
