the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
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I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS