my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
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he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
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Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?