Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
