i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
