I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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