I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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