A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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