it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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