Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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