Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
