I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
