May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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