At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
