i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
