naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
