just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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