i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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