I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
