It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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