I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
