just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
