Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My bed smells like the plague
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