peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
