He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
