one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
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Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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