I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
