I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
