you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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