I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
