he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
