Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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