Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
