you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
