I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
