It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
