Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
