Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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