Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
