Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
