The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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