Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
