11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW