did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT