You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You are a genius and a whore.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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